Scrambled Brain and a Side of Melancholy?

Hello everyone!! Oh how I missed this place! Life definitely got a hold of me and almost dragged me down! But in true fighter form, I kicked it in the shins and ran! Hahaha.... yeah.

The past few weeks were rough, and still are. Between work, friends, family, and dare I say- love life? It all wore down on me. My friends decided to take a leave of absence, along with "him". I just don't get it. Being the astrological freak that I am, I blame it on their signs. See all of my close friends and "him", are Aquarius'; and if you know an Aquarius, then you know that they have this tendency to just disappear with the wind. But like all good ones, they come back in like a cool breeze (if you give them their freedom).

Here's where my story got/gets hard.

I came clean with him about how I feel- sort of. I mean, I told him he meant a lot to me and that I was afraid to tell him how I felt because of fear that he would run away (like he has done in the past) and he told me that he felt the same way and that maybe he would have run in the past but not anymore because he feeling for me changed... I should be happy with that right? WRONG. Well, I was happy that he said that but I wasn't happy that I didn't hear from him for over a week following that conversation! It was like he fell off the face of the Earth! I texted him and got nothing. So that made me genuinely concerned about him. FINALLY on Saturday I hear from him via text, which can get quite tricky when trying to determine tone might I add. Turns out he went "away" for the week (no, not to jail), but he didn't have access to a phone.

Great. So he had like 4 text messages from me asking if he was alive, mad, etc. He was real short with me. Here's the convo from Saturday, verbatim (so what, I spell funny when I text):

Me: hey so I'm not taking my exam; sorry if I said something outta line last time; hope ur ok; and I miss u!

Him: thats great I was _____ just got out yesterday

Me: I had a feeling something happened. U ok? Sorry for all the messages, I was just worried

Him: I'm great thank you

What the eff?! I left that at that. He was probably in no mood to talk or hear anything so I let him be. I did say this to him last night,

"Babe I know u know this but I'm always here for u...if u need a talk, ass woopin, lay, shoulder, whatevs. I hate not talkin to u. There's a "his name" shaped void in my world"

Yeah yeah, I know, I'm gonna let him be. But I had to say my last piece. It kills me to let him pull away, even if it's temporarily because I worked so hard to get to where we were. Maybe he'll come back with a better perception of us, but I must also be prepared for him to walk away. Ugh!!! I keep thinking, what did I do wrong? I know it's not all me because he is going through his own personal trials and tribulations, but really- how can I make things better? All I can do and have been doing is relying on faith. That's all I can do. What do you think? Is he blatantly gone or am I being an emotional female?

Then there's work. My manager from hell! I have been busting my toocus to get a much needed spectacular review, but you know when you feel someone just has it out for you? She's a sh*tty manager, her work is behind, she lies about numbers (we're in finance and that's a bad move on her part), she's a lier, and she talks about us (her "team" of 3) behind our backs! Well, she makes snide remarks. For instance, her issue with me is my time....lord DO NOT get me started!! My company has never been a stickler for the petty sh*t like this, they are all about "work-life balance". Apparently this b*tch doesn't get it. So I've been coming in on time and working over time (gotta pay these mounting bills!) but I know because I took today off, she'll have some things to say- not to my face of course.

Oh well, she'll get what's coming to her soon enough. That dumbass.

On a positive note, I took today off to take care of a long/ expired to do list!! I have sooo much to do that can only be handled during business hours. So I'm off to get'er done!

xoxo,




[Photos via Flickr]

My Conversation With the Big Guy

[Image via Maddy C.]

Dear God,

I know I haven't spoken to you in a long time. It's not that I've been too busy, it's simply because I have been lazy and afraid. I'm afraid that being close to you again will result in the loss of more friends. I know all that you do is to benefit me but sometimes a little humanly companionship is nice. Lately I have been feeling so alone. I have tried to keep all of your teachings in mind (minus the fornication- lord I know it's a sin but I'm weak when it comes to that!) and have always based my decisions on doing what is right and just.

If I have been doing things like I am "supposed to" then why have you forsaken me? Why am I so unhappy? I could list all of the things in my life that comprise this list but you know all. I do however, question one thing: where have all the good people gone? Why are so many people willing to hurt others? Why do good friends only exist in our imaginations?

God, you have blessed me in so many ways. I have a job- it may not be the career of my choice but so many don't even have that; I have a wonderful dog- the only one I can consider my true friend, to some that may sound sad but to me it's not; I have great acquaintances, or as they like to consider themselves- "friends"; and last but not least, you blessed me with my loving family. I have the greatest father in the world. He is not perfect but he is the greatest man to walk this Earth. His love is unconditional and tough, he is a protector, a nurturer, and everything a father should be.

[Photo via D L Ennis]

Still, after listing all that, I feel empty. I know you are busy and my request is insignificant compared to all the others you have; but if you could please hear me- just this once. Hear the cries of my heart. I long for happiness, both financially and in the form of a loving partner. I want friends that are true. Please grant me this wish so that I may die with the knowledge that I lived a life with purpose and meaning. That I would leave this Earth with people whose lives I have touched and in return have touched mine- because Lord, as much as you know how I despise being negative, I can't help but think that if I were to leave today, the only one who'd morn would be my father.

Help me to not feel so alone in my darkest hour. I want a life that is simple and filled with genuine loving people.

Hopefully, this too shall pass...

Amen.

[Image via Maddy C.]

**This got a pit personal. Sorry if it came off as boring and winy but sometimes a girls gotta vent!

Sad People Gossip

[Photo courtesy of solecism]

So it has seriously been one of those weeks, filled with highs and lows and everything in between.

Let's begin with work [allow me to clarify, boss= man (referred to as him) manager = she-devil (referred to as her)]- so my manager is a two faced sh*t talking c_ _ _. Yep I said it, the unacceptable 'c' word (so dirty!), but she is what she is. I started my week off by venting to my boss about what a jerk she is and in typical guy form, he was at a loss for words, confused, and aggravated. Ended up talking to her about things and we left it off pretending we somewhat like each other and that I was going to continue to be awesome.

Then we have the personal life. Before proceeding, I would like to state that this is my personal blog and I am going to go on a venting tangent- so I apologize to any readers who are directly involved in the events I speak of in my blog. Don't take it personal, perhaps make a change?

There are three things I want to discuss:
1. Sh*t Talking
2. Making Time For People
3. Loyalty

1. Trash Talking. Over the last two weeks I took care of a friends dog, we'll call him "Muppet" (I know I do). So Muppet is a typical Maltese, happy, energetic, and a complete spaz. However, don't get it twisted, I love Muppet. He is a loving guy who plays ever so wonderfully with my Valentina. They are adorable! Anyways, Muppet had some potty issues (one should always expect that when taking care of any dog. Sh*t happens, literally), he loved to lift his leg on the corner of my couches, tables, etc but what concerned me the most was his love for tinkling near the cable wires. So when I could not keep an eye on him (like while at work or asleep) I kept him in the kitchen. To make a long story short- there were some comical events that occured and then there was the accumulation of work related issues. So I get home on Monday- the day I had a meeting with my boss about my manager, and come home to Muppet exiting my bedroom (which is OFF LIMITS) and pee all over the apartment. Pee on the corner of the sofa, pee under the table, pee on the rug, pee on the corner of my chair, pee on my PILLOW!!! (I discovered that recently and thankfully it was not the one I sleep with), anyway you get my point. So naturally I was filled with rage. What did I do? Since I couldn't call Muppets mom because she was over seas, I texted a friend who is also a well known gossip. So of course I would never say anything to him (yep, a dude) that I would want to keep a "secret".

What I said- verbatim, was this: text #1-"Do you know when ____ is coming home? Muppet needs to go", Gossiping buddy: "ask her 'boyfriend'. I have no idea", text #2: "he peed everywhere!! I am so pissed!". -THE END.

So I clean up the mess, I stomp around for a few, and I'm over it. The next day my friend returns, I share the eventful stories, I share that Muppet had some accidents, and that's that. He's a dog and although he had some accidents, he's still a good dog and I love him. I would take care of him again and Valentina and Muppet will remain BFFL. However, I get a message on Thursday from Muppets mommy saying "so I just heard u were saying when I was coming back cause u need or want to get rid of my dog?"

Let me just tell you that this message made me want to put my fist through something. As if dealing with trash talkers for 40 hours a week at work wasn't enough. First of all, I never said "get rid of dog", that sounds terrible. Second, I said that while in a fit of fury. I didn't deny what I actually said because if I am to be quoted I'd prefer it be correct. She got over it or so I hope, because I know she is smart and taking word from someone like that isn't very smart. My point is, was it REALLY necessary to share that with her? What was the purpose? I didn't say anything I was trying to hide, but still. This person is definitely not one to talk, even if to him it was harmless. It was unnecessary. All he did was annoy me, anger her, and prove everyone's point that he stirs up unnecessary drama.

"You don't prove loyalty by telling someone every insignificant thing that is said about them, but by defending them when they are not there to defend themselves". -S.Aguilar (I totally quoted myself)

[Photo courtesy of Flickr]

2. Making time for people. Pretty self explanatory. Basically, there are several people that I would love to spend time with, I always make plans with them and right before they are to be executed, the plans dissipate. It isn't just one person in particular and I am partially to blame for some of the situations, but I find myself wondering; if people mean so much to you, why is it so hard to make time for them? Is it because you are honestly busy? Or are you just being selfish with your time, only giving it to certain people- or keeping it to yourself even? Why is it that you can care for someone with all that you have but you don't make that effort to go spend time with them? We can say that life just handed us too many responsibilities, but lets be real- we all have some downtime. We even share that downtime with other people that are already in our every day life. I look at it like "I'm just not important enough to them". Any insight to these questions would honestly help me a great deal. I really don't get it.

3. Loyalty. As I stated in my quote above, loyalty is more than being a reporter. Loyalty is sticking up for someone or doing things for someone without the need to even tell them that you did it. The satisfaction of knowing that you put someone in there place for the person is sufficient. We stick by people no matter what. We tell them the truth at all times, even if it hurts- as long as we say things with their best interest in mind. We keep their personal issues and secrets quiet. And I think the most important thing (besides being supportive most of the time) is to know when to tell them things. I don't find it necessary to tell people everything other people say about them, and if I do it's because it's to their best benefit to be filled in. We should want the people we love to be better people. How can a flower bloom when it is suffocated by the dirt? Just provide some sunlight (positive attitude), nutrients (words of encouragement), and a place where its roots can flourish and grow (trust and support).

We really need to filter the garbage that comes out of our mouths. You're not a bad friend or lover if you choose to keep trash talking comments to yourself. Just make sure if it ever comes up that you did something to defend them. If you tell me that someone called me a name, I'm going to wonder if anything was said in my defense. Did you just sit there and let someone bash me? What kind of friend are you to me? Obviously, not a loyal one.

Have a wonderful holiday weekend peeps!

xoxo,