I Loathe Thee!!

I never use the word hate (except when discussing Hillary Clinton). I think it's an ugly, hateful, awful word. However, when I think of these nasty blood sucking creatures I can't help but wish for the destruction of their species!!!

For the past week there has been a mosquito dwelling in my apartment and eating me alive!! I really can't take it any more. I am going mad! I look like some ridiculous human Dalmation.

What can I do to get rid of this satanic pest??

Help me!!!!

Sincerely Sick of Being a Meal,

Dammit, I Missed My Train...

Did I totally miss the "career train"?? After spending about an hour on the phone with my mom, I have come to the conclusion that my life f*cking sucks huge King Kong vs Godzilla meets Donkey Kong b@lls. It's been a little over two months since I graduated, and despite submitting my resume to what feels like 150 different jobs- I have not gotten one single response. I wonder if my resume sucks that bad?! Now, you know your life has gone to sh*t when people are suggesting you work as a Barista at Starbucks (not knocking the job but I'm kinda not trying to head in that direction). It baffles me to be stuck in this diarrhea saturated man-ties (equiv of female panties) of a rut!

Seriously, WTF do I do now??!! I have my damn Mom up my @ss and I haven't exactly been easy on myself either. I do not want to settle for being 21K underpaid and severely over worked but what can I do? I wish I could say, "I need this job to pay the bills" but too bad this job doesn't even do that! I'm really only there for my damn benefits. Darn ADHD of mine!! Yeah, so I can't function without my Adderall...don't judge me, I'm sure you have your little addictions too.

So I'm a broke, rambling, Adderall addicted, ADHD, dead end job working, good looking (hee hee :) 20-something year old loser?! Ooof, I should just fall down a flight of stairs. Maybe that'll delay my rent a bit?

STOP!! Hammer Time. Sayyyy Cheeseeeee



Ok, rambling over (for now). Off to bed so I can wake up and go to my sh*tty job!! Yay!!! Ohhhh the joys of life.


P.S. There is a flippin mosquito that's out to get me!!

P.S.S. You can sure say that again!! --------->>

Monsters!

So last night I had The WORST dream ever. Literally everything I have been suppressing was involved!! I can't remember the details but I know that it included everything from money issues to an ex, my ex best friends mother, my current un-love object, my dog (in danger, don't know why but after she injured her eye on the radiator I've had this fear of her being seriously injured), my mom and this whole future ordeal.

I guess I can't run away from my problems but holy cow did they come after me!!

So for the first time in a long time- I prayed. I really hope God hears my prayer. Actually, I'll think positive. He will hear my prayer, or prayers.

Sincerely hopeful,

Moments of Expression

There are those moments in life when a little picture or a little quote can put it all into perspective.

I always thought I'd grow up to be famous. As a little girl I dreamed of being the next Mariah Carey. Of course, we all know, dreams are hard work. So I applied my brain to the sciences and not the music industry. I wonder where I would've ended up?

He's always on my mind. Whether I like it or not.

No matter what I'm going through, I act like I'm ok. Aside than this blog, I don't like to share my deepest thoughts.

I am definitely very "different". Sometimes I wonder how people have the patience to deal with me?! Then I realize that it's because I'm a good person :)

In life, we need to learn to put or own feelings aside and push away the sad and negative thoughts. Only then will we truly succeed.

Where's My Head At?

I wanted to take a moment to pull myself out of this melancholy funk I've been in. Yes, it's been almost two weeks (on Friday) but it won't be the last time I see that face. How could we miss someone that much that we become this sad?!

Anywhoo, I find myself thinking naughty things... does this make me an addict?! If so, I DO NOT need/want help.

xoxo,

Alice in Wonderland

Tim Burton (and of course Johnny Depp) have done it again!! I can't wait. Here's the teaser trailer. Come out already! Grrr

He's the One

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot,
calls you back when you hang up on him.
Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead,
wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats,
thinks you’re just as pretty without makeup on.
One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares
and how lucky he is to have you.
The one who turns to his friends and says, “that’s her.”

Love,

My Story- In a Song

Sometimes we find a song that perfectly describes what we feel better than we can ourselves. Marie Digby's "Symphony" couldn't have expressed the feelings I have deep within me any better.

Here I go again in my dreamy eyes

I should be content but something's just not satisfied, oh

It's nothing that you did, I'm still on your side

I can't love you if I'm not sure who I am inside

'Cause there are some questions that need some answers

What is it I'm really after?

The clock's ticking so I can't wait around

This is my now, this is my today

No more sitting on the side waiting for my chance to play

Time to step out, so much to say

But I'll never get the chance if I don't break away

And write my own symphony, write my own symphony

I gotta write my own symphony, write my own symphony

Just let me write my own symphony

I've always got my head way up in the clouds

Something in me wants to fly away and leave the ground, oh

If you could hear my thoughts when no one's around

Then you'd understand my fear of being held down

'Cause I wanna explore the world around me

Dance under the stars above me

And be free to make my own mistakes

This is my now, this is my today

No more sitting on the side waiting for my chance to play

Time to step out, so much to say

But I'll never get the chance if I don't break away

And write my own symphony, write my own symphony

I gotta write my own symphony, write my own symphony

Just let me write my own symphony

'Cause every minute you're here with me

(You're here with me)

It gets harder to turn and walk away, oh

But I gotta chase my destiny

(My destiny)

No matter how hard or long it takes

This is my now, this is my today

No more sitting on the side waiting for my chance to play

Time to step out, so much to say

But I'll never get the chance if I don't break away

And write my own symphony, gotta write my own symphony

Write my own symphony, but I can't if you're here with me

I gotta write my own symphony, let me go and write my own symphony

Write my own symphony, need to go where you can't follow me

Just let me write my own symphony

xoxo,

What Now?

When life places you at a crossroad once again, and you have exhausted every possibility- then what? There comes a time in a persons life when they get fed up. I'm at that point. In every aspect of my life I am fed up with being unappreciated. The one's who move ahead are not necessarily the mean ones, but the ones who put their needs first and speak their minds. It's my fault for not expecting much from people but people need to stop expecting so much from me!

For instance, at work, they pay me sh*t but expect me to take on all this work. I try my best but the more they scold me for stupid things the less I give. So now I'm still working hard- not to my full potential, and they still want more; like blood sucking vampires!! Stop feeding on me!! Heaven forbid you bring up being compensated for your work, oh no, they don't believe in paying their employees what they deserve. Stupid mother truckers.

Then there's the "friendships" topic, whether I am referring to the opposite sex, or same sex. They both expect me to give them my all. That means all of my time, attention, affection, even money. For goodness sake what the hell am I left with at the end of the day?! What I ask for is simple:

-Space- to think and be creative- ALONE

-Time- to spend making memories

-Support- through the good and bad

-Laughter- oh heavens just make me fu*king laugh dammit!

-An open mind- don't judge anyone

-Consideration- if you ask I will help you but make sure when I need you, your a$$ is there.

Now if my request is asking too much then maybe you shouldn't be in my life. These are the things I give people, and they are what I demand back. I have noticed that I have let go of several ties with people because these necessities weren't being met. Unfortunately, there are still those in my life that don't fulfill these requirements and although I don't feel for them as strongly as I did before, I am having a hard time letting go.

I know I have so much love and affection to give, but call me selfish, I am holding on to all of it until I am ready. So for now I'm giving a little to people here and there. No one has deemed themselves worthy of all of me. Quite frankly, all the vultures have taken so much of it that I have to build it all back up, from scratch.

Starting with this sorry job.

When love waits

This picture just made me ponder one of life's most imminent question-love.

So follow me on my mini daydream...

I spend my day thinking of what could have been, if I would have let my guard down and let you in.

See, I always knew there was something special about you.

You have a way about you that is soothing, nothing else matters in that moment. Until. That moment is over.

You leave me stranded, no words of comfort to get me by. Just a promise that if I am true, then I will be here when you return.

So off you go to explore the world.

Here I sit waiting.

You experience a hundred new thrills, a handful of new lovers.

Here I sit waiting.

You return, and here I am. Am I really here? Was I really waiting? Or was it you that has been waiting?

I always felt that when it came to true love, no matter where time and place put two people, they would always be connected. So I can feel you, wherever you are. But do you care enough to wonder about me? Am I someone you really care for or am I still waiting? A comfortable place that will always be there to welcome you with open arms?

One day I will find a place where love dwells and never makes me wait. There will be no wondering because it will reveal itself for what it is.

Love,

My wondering heart.

Small Outburst

"And she finally stopped playing their song, when she realized she was dancing alone"

Love is blind and all, but when one is blind to what makes the other happy then it isn't love after all.

Don't settle for making the other person happier than yourself. Losing your identity comes back to haunt you in the end. Always be true to yourself and put your needs above those of others. Selflessness only in moderation and in given circumstances. If they aren't treating you the way you should be treated, then treat yourself and move on.

Love,

Thoughts of the Future & Scared Sh*tless

I have spent my whole life preparing for my future. As a little girl, it was drilled into my skull that being studious, smart, staying out of trouble, and getting straight A's would pave the way to a marvelous world where dreams come true. So for the most part, I was a good student...right up until my second year at FDU. That was the year my mother moved, my boyfriend went off to graduate school, and I was completely on my own. That was also the year I was supposed to celebrate transferring into Cornell, with my 3.8 GPA- not too shabby huh? Well I guess life doesn't work out as planned.

So I still managed to slide on by with my grades and graduate with a not so glorious GPA, but a degree from a good school that really made me work my ass off for it. A school who's Biology department didn't really believe or care for their students. I somehow forced myself through it, all while maintaining a full time job (part time in my last year), and having all the responsibilities of an adult. Why? What was my goal? Glad you asked.

I hoped to go to medical school and become a Neurologist. That was my goal. That is still my goal. However, here I sit with no past medical experience, a not so great GPA, a degree, and no current plans for this future. Where do I even start?? Thoughts like this never crossed my mind while I was in school because I somehow thought that once I graduated, all these opportunities would just come-a-knockin on my door...yeah, that was mildly inaccurate.

See, if I don't become a successful doctor I will feel like I have failed in life. I am so passionate about science and medicine and I find myself to be very knowledgeable about it all, but passion can only take you so far. Don't ask me the exact names of things because I don't remember (which is my huge issue). I think that my mind is incredible, not to toot my own horn but I know I am smart. Not book smart because books aren't the be all end all of information, but I have knowledge and a keen understanding for science. This "sense" won't help me ace the MCATS which I haven't even considered taking yet, I need the exact TERMS...

My life is at an awkward standstill and it's only 2 months post graduation! I have no clue what my next step should be. I have already started trying to look into other job opportunities but I haven't heard anything yet.

I just hope I don't end up at some dead end job working in some cubicle for some crap ass salary- no offense to those who do but corporate America is not for me. I may be lost now but I refuse to settle for mediocrity. I'd even be happy with a research job and my PhD. That may even be a more attainable goal. I wish I knew what to do! Until I figure this out, I am going to be a mental wreck.

Here's to a future of uncertainty.

Kisses

My absolute favorite! A kiss can tell you so much about someone. There's nothing like kissing someone you are attracted to, it's the best feeling there is. In that moment in time, nothing else matters. Passion, lust, (or love), all running ramped through your body. Hundreds of hormones stimulate the senses causing this explosion of chemical reactions. It's wonderful!

The best kisses are the ones you least expect that last hours! Sweet and tender, but sexy and sensual.

Here are some pictures I found that just made me drift away in a sea of daydreams...

xoxo,

The Love of My Life

There is nothing like her love. She is my best friend and companion. She never lies to me, loves me unconditionally, makes me laugh; she's Valentina...

xoxo,

First Blog

Welcome to blogger!! Yep, I welcomed myself. I'm very excited to find a place where I can just note all of my thoughts (which are usually a cluster f@ck of nonesense). A nice oasis for the things that go on in this ADHD head of mine.

So my thoughts for today is that I really hate my job [insert cliche topic here]. In all seriousness, I'm not one to sit and complain and do nothing to change the situation, which is why I am actively looking to get the hell out of there as fast as I can. In the meantime, I can't remember working somewhere that made me absolutely miserable! I have a 10:30 meeting with my manager tomorrow...I'll probably get reprimanded for something again, even though I've tried to do everything quickly and efficiently. I guess misery loves company and all that sh*t.

I work as an accounting assistant but I just recently graduated with a neuroscience degree and a minor in Chemistry, so crunching numbers in excel all day is quite the snooze. However, a good work environment could make even the most mundane job as exciting as base jumping! Um...I'm exaggerating a tad but you get my point. See, I've worked for this firm for five years and for the majority of the time I loved it! It was only a couple of months ago that I switched positions and now I'm miserable. Overworked, underpaid, and highly stressed. Oh yeah, and BROKE!

Enough negative crap. Hopefully someone will come across my resume and find it to be a diamond in the rough. I really hope that happens soon!!

Ok blogguette,

Later!